I grew up in a home where marriage was complicated. Though my parents are not divorced, they were separated majority of my childhood. I was raised primarily in a single parent home. We attended a local Samoan SDA church my dad's family were pioneers in so majority of the church members were family. My rollercoaster childhood had us in and out of church. My parents estranged marriage definitely affected the dynamic of our family and our relationships. My dad was more in tuned with being emotionally connected and present in being an open door for communication. I felt more inclined to share and converse with my dad so it put a strain in feeling heard or validated in my home. I turned to music as therapy and writing. I associated music with feeling my emotions, basking in the space of just embracing it without having to voice it myself. Writing became an outlet to reflect and thoroughly process my thoughts, experiences, and voice. It gave me a safe haven to be heard.
As I entered adulthood, I got married and became a mother, I distant myself from the church. Witnessing the friction of culture, family, and faith in my childhood, then experiencing it within my own growing family. I was fed up, and I wanted no part of it. I didn't want my family to partake in the taboo madness of the traditional clashes between culture, family, and faith that all were being justified in the name of the Lord but were disconnected intimately that there was no true growth and unity within.
Yet, after a few years of marriage and parenting; I found myself desperately needing answers to life and what is truth. I found myself crying out to God. Needing answers to marriage, to parenting, to family life. As much as I was willing and yearning for my family to be whole, I didn't know the process for that. I thought by having the stable career jobs, having our own place, and living the American dream was the success of the family. It was so timely when my husband's big brother invited us to a seminar around this time and it was based on the family life in Christ. It was then, I was willing to truly search God myself to understand His ways rather than what I had experienced to be normal in the church and family.
God was so faithful as He started to do a great work of unlearning and learning in me. He was reforming my understanding as to how I can discern each can coexist within the boundaries of my convictions and order of His will. There was a direct disconnect in daily practical living from family fellowship to church fellowship. Also, being raised as first generation American, completely americanized, the samoan language and traditions were just as foreign to me as any other culture. Yet here, as I sat at the feet of Jesus, He was weeding out the confusion to replace it with His order. It was a revelation of hope, truth, and light for this weary soul. He was feeding me all His love, mercy, grace, and order with truth and it truly was a light unto my feet. I started to feel God building my voice within my home as a daughter of Christ, a wife, and mother. I began to believe family was a ministry and home was your first church.
Being able to implement family worship and family Bible lessons correlated with conducting song service and learning hymns. Teaching and learning hymns along side my children to parallel with our Bible lessons and character quality study became an instant favorite form of worship for my children and me. They enjoyed singing and being able to impress the lessons with practical daily living experiences which made the Bible lessons more real and ever present in our minds. It was healing for me in this space of making a connection between home and church. Something that was a wrestle for me to discern because the spirit of unity and willingness to serve seemed to be only at church than at home.
(Deuteronomy 6:4-9)
4. Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God is one Lord:
5. And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.
6. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart:
7. And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sitters in thine house, and when thou walkers by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou rises up.
8. And thou shalt bind them for a sign upon thine hands, and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes.
9. And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates.
I found myself constantly humming the hymns through the day. Hymns became my choice of music to listen at home and in the car rather than my usual go to theraputical music for cleaning which were oldies and R&B. There was a different sense of awareness that hymns brought that secular music seemed to lack. Oldies and R&B could get your flesh moving with validating or enhancing emotions felt. Yet hymns moved me different. There was a serene promise of hope outside my flesh that was moving in a space of Godly love in truth, promise, joy, and peace. Being able to channel that kind of worship in house with my children at their young age was redemption in my family experience. Their willingness to not just sing praise at home but even with special music at church truly was reforming the experience of home church to the extended church.
It made me reflect on how I use to practice singing at home when younger for my solos or special music but now for daily living. The words of the songs were testimonies of the writers who endured times of grief, mourning, praise, and joy with the word of God as their emphasis of withstanding their experiences. When I didn't have the strength to pray or study, needed motivation or encouragement to endure, hymns became my solace. They were the precepts that were embedded in my heart to press on with the hope of clinging to His promises and brought to remembrance in my time of need. Being able to find hymns as a resource of blessed assurance and chastening of hope in the songs was finding peace in His word, His character, and His promises.
(Psalms 5:11)
"But let all who take refuge in You be glad; let them ever sing for joy. SPREAD YOUR PROTECTION OVER THEM, that those who love your name may rejoice in you."(Psalm 34:1-2)
"I will extol the Lord AT ALL TIMES; His praise will always be on my lips. I will glory in the Lord; LET THE AFFLICTED HEAR AND REJOICE."Fast forward to now, my older three are teenagers and we are in a whole new state and church community. They're older now and we are in a season of more reasoning for discernment of trust and convictions because they're more aware in vocalizing freedom of choice and their own understanding. It's a crucial time of truly extending grace, mercy, and patience with the love of the Father to be a witness of how He loves and unites with His character.
(1 Peter 3:15)
"But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that sketch you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear."A month ago, I received a text from a church member asking if any of my family members or family would like to do special music. It's been a few years since my children have done special music. When I brought it up to my children my older four were hesitant. A whole different response from previous years which didn't discourage me because they are older now with a safe space to question and share their honest thoughts. The emphasis in sharing this, is one of my teenagers had asked a great question. They asked, "Do we have to because I don't want to." I said no, you do not have to and it can be something we pray about. They replied, "Well, would it be right for me to do it if my heart wasn't in it? Wouldn't that be dishonest?"
I appreciated her honesty so much because these are real life situations for a teenager discerning their faith walk and the truth of where they understand convictions, character building, and honoring God. One of the things I teach my children is understanding their will ought to be king to discern their choices on a matter. The three judges to help discern good judgement is your conscience, common sense, and heart's desire. Your conscience judges if this is right or wrong. Common sense judges is it best? Your heart's desire judges do I really want it? All three ought to be in agreement, if not then you must study and reason the truths of the matter to be evenly yoked in the truth of where the discord is.
I shared stories from the Bible where God called people to do a work they felt unqualified to do or were not in agreement to do along with feeling helping others was not worth the risk or deserving. The focus was their understanding and heart's desire over the matter, rather considering the faith required to move in the truth of what was best and right because by default our all knowing God knows best and is good has spoken His will to bring a conscience of common sense in the matter. So the necessary work is moving in faith outside our own heart desire trusting His will is best and good.
This of course made me reflect on my own experience in my youth. How God has not only been gracious to reform worship in psalm in my life to understand His promises and goodness but experience that. I was grateful to implement a better parallel and extension of home worship to church worship for my children but I realized listening to my teenager, being an introvert, I too still felt the same way of going on stage. God has been gracious in my healing journey with homeschooling because having my children sit at my feet and simplify His word has helped my recovering of being a perfectionist and over thinker. It has created a healthy space of training to witness in storytelling which has been a blessing when I get the opportunity to extend that in the church with children's story too. Teaching children helps you focus on the simplicity of the message for their understanding which can chasten an adult like me. Out of the mouth my babes, my God has constantly softened my heart and chastened it for me to heal and grow in truth.
(Matthew 21:16)
And Jesus saith unto them, Yea; have ye never read, Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise?(Hebrews 10:24,25)
"24. And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works:
25. Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is, but exhorting one another, and so much the more, as you see the Day approaching."
Instead of focusing on my desire of where I want my children to be, by knowing and doing better than me. I realized, I too needed to face the inconsistency of my willingness and witness. I had willingly volunteered my children previously when they were willing to worship and now that they were in a space of questioning of their convictions and reasoning...had I realized I too have been in the same state? I was willing to sing at family worship understanding the willingness to train and unite at home because I grew up with the disconnect of my home church to the extended church. I was willing to stand and sing during song service because by default it was a connection of my personal and family worship to share in the space of community worship. However, have I come to be unashamed to testify of His song in my life? Was I willing to stand alone to testify and sing of His glory in my life? My children were indirectly being used to rebuke me in seeing my very own heart condition of the matter. Have I come to the state of conforming to comfortability in my willingness to serve and praise?
God has been so gracious in reforming my walk, witness, and worship. He helped me with my inner need of understanding His tone of voice speaks grace, love, mercy, joy, peace, and patience. His character and promises are evenly yoked like a song, His character does not miss a beat of testifying His faithfulness. Am I willing to hide behind His cross to share the song He has given me? Because the front of the church is not a stage for performance, it's an altar to lay down self to serve God and others.
The funny part is, since receiving the text from my sister in Christ, our Pastors' and Elders' sermons have been geared around the purpose of worship with an emphasis of the worship in psalm. The greatest battle we face is our selfishness in our sinful nature. Each week of Bible study, daily practical lessons, reflecting, Sabbath sermons, and prayer led to softening more my heart. The inconsistency of special music each Sabbath was pulling at my heart more and more because I knew God is a God of order. Special music is specifically before the sermon to prepare the hearts of His people to receive the message.
Isaiah 28:9,10
9 Whom shall he teach knowledge? and whom shall he make to understand doctrine? them that are weaned from the milk, and drawn from the breasts.
10 For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little:2 Timothy 3:16,17
16 All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:
17 That the man of God may be perfect, thoroughly furnished unto all good works.
What a powerful testimony! Thank you for sharing your story and being an inspiration!